Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Letter To Imam Farouk Abdulmutallab

Dear Farouk,

How are you? I really hope that all is well with you.
I'm sure that all should be well because in spite of your present
predicament you are still entitled to three full meals with
complements of juice and assorted drinks (even those who didn't
attempt to bomb planes live on less than $1 a day in 9ja). When you
are finally convicted, you will still be fed on government expense.
You'll be allowed to play games and participate in sporting
activities. If you so desire, you'll be allowed to pursue the Master's
Degree that you abandoned. (By the way I struggled to pay the fees for
my Masters). My father was never a bank chief (not even a community or
micro finance bank).
I am struggling to understand your (in) action. Growing up you must
have had all and I mean ALL of the things that many of your mates
only wished and hoped for. A BMX, Raleigh or Chopper bicycle. Nintendo
games and accompanying cartridges, PS2, PS3, XBox, PSP, most
definitely a car or cars (I can bet you never entered molue, danfo,
okada, keke marwa or
BRT) with driver and possibly bodyguard or at least police escort.
You've had foreign Ivy League education and to top it all up Farouk;
you lived in a 4Mpounds house. Gbogbo bigz boiz. Haba Farouk, minini
(hausa), ogini (ibo), kilode (yoruba),???

My guy, upon graduation you would have served only if you wanted to
and possibly in your janded abode. One hungry hustler would just have
been collecting your allowee (less than what you spend on boxer
shorts). At the end of the service year, they would just issue a
directive to the deegee of corpers to send (did I say send) bring your
discharge certificate to your house in Lag or Abj. Even if you
decided to wear khaki and obey the clarion call, 'under the sun and in
the rain', you would only have gone for parade when you so desired.
You are not likely to have gone on endurance trek because you've never
had to endure. While in camp many 'ordinary'
corpershuns would have tried to attach themselves to you so that after
service they could have used your influence to open doors that will
better their lives.
After service, jobs were waiting for you (that's if you decided to
work). If you wanted a bank job, ba wahala. You wouldn't have started
from entry level, you may have settled for GM, DGM or AGM. If you
wanted to go into politics (many of your type are in the hallowed
chambers) they would have asked the chairman of the party in your
state to bring the form to your house only for you to append your
signature they'll be the ones to fill in the other information. Any
other candidate for the post you are interested in would have been
settled. When you are finally sworn in, you wouldn't have to move or
second any motions just raise your hands in favour or against when Mr.
Speaker or Senate president call for a vote. You would have been
chairman of one committee and member of others even though you won't
be doing anything. Any of the heads of the agencies upon which you
oversight functions would have been summoned by your committee in
order to give your constituents the impression that you are working.
You would have initiated a probe, set up a subcommittee, given them
terms of reference, you would have received the report of the
committee and presented it on the floor of the chamber that you belong
to. That would have been the end and megabucks would have been voted
for such frivolities.
You would have been a member of many elite clubs, you'll be playing
Tiger Wuuds game, and you'd have one of the most expensive horses to
play polo. 9ja's version of HELLO magazine would have done a feature
on you and your horse.
OL boy, after much persuasion your popsie would have arranged the
daughter of one of his friends for you as your ameriya (new wife).
Your wedding would have drawn the crème de la crème of society; the
weekly soft sells would have carried headlines like WHAT SOCIETY WOMEN
WORE AT FAROUK and FAROUKATT's wedin fatiha, with the rider, how they
met, and the details of their jewelry. They would have told us about
how you proposed to her when you took her for a weekend trip in that
mid east country that our countrymen now take out time to go to it
sounds like doo-bye. We would have read about how a former president
or head of state was the chairman of your wedding, the reception would
have taken place at the international conference centre; it would have
been aired on network TV on Sunday nite. (Even though you don't watch
local TV).
Farouk! Are you still there? Don't worry I'll soon finish. Ehen shebi
you were in jand before, then the country of Kofi's and Kwame's, you
entered eko o'ni baje, then 'Hamstadam', then Yankee. Why did you
enter 9ja, you should have avoided here. Suppose your popsie had been
at the airport, he would have finally found you (at least he would
have considered you a prodigal son).
I don't know the full details of your
travel schedule but you had a number of visas on your paali
(passport). You need to know how much dry fasting and prayer some
people do to raise money to get a passport before proceeding to prayer
camp or redemption city on Lagos Ibadan xpressway to receive laying on
of hands for breakthrough for visas. Some of these people go along
with their passports too and insist that a man of God MUST lay hands
on the passport, anoint it with olive oil and wrap it with white
handkerchief so that the day the oyinbo visa officer receives their
application God will touch his heart and he will issue them a visa.
Farouk let me tell you something some still do not get the visa and
for those who do, they have to reach out to family and friends to
raise funds for ticket, some are only able to raise the money when
the visa has almost expired. Even me when I want to travel I'm always
looking for cheap season tickets, I'll start calling my friends who
work in airlines even the ones I had quarreled with. You come get visa
and ticket money yanfu yanfu you come dey carry banger and knockout
enter aeroplane.
Ah okay I remember it was xmas day so you wanted to do fireworks with
other people's life. Or was it because you boarded a Delta airlines
planes that the Niger Delta spirit descended on you. See Farouk let me
tell you something even those guys have embraced amnesty they are just
waiting for HIM (Your kinsman) to come back so they can conclude the
agenda for the region. Ask Ateke, Tompo and Girl-Loaf, they don't
kidnap oyinbo again neither do they throw banger or bisco on oil
installations. They've all repented.
Why is it now that you have decided to rebrand Nigeria? Oh so you
think you can do a better job than a whole Prof who rebranded a drug
agency and saved millions of lives that have now being re-christened
good people great nation. How can you throw spanner in the works just
like that? You dis boy sef.
Anyway sha as for me, my countrymen and women we wish you whatever you
wish yourself, as you may have realized you are On Your Own - O.Y.O.
Even your popsie cannot come near you so wetin be my own?
But Farouk wait first where you going to forfeit all of the perks as a
rich man's son? You were a complete aje-butter and you wanted to kaput
just like that??
Some have cap but have no head, some have head but they have no cap.
You definitely lost you head.
I have enclosed a self addressed envelope so you don't have to worry
about stamp and envelope. I await a quick response to my letter or
else I will board a plane and, 

P.S, personally i jst fink u'r a "naughty person".

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